Lists and Resolutions

Ok, it is New Years Eve so that means it is time for some lists......

The Worst Things About 2008

1. Finding Out Josh has Cancer
2. Moving Again
3. Hurricane Ike

The Best Things about 2008

1. Josh surviving his brain surgery
2. Our great new ward and friends here in Pearland
3. Hurricane Ike -- with the help of our cousin Robert
we can fix the house better than it was.


It seems that the worst is also the best. I think if we look hard enough we would find that is usually true. Every hard trial has a blessing, something we need. This year I needed to let go of the "control" I had in my life. I thought I was handling everthing just right. I know now that my children were Heavenly Father's first and he knows what is best for them. My ideas of the perfect home were not right, there was somewhere else I needed to be. It hasn't happened yet, but I am sure that when the repairs and additions are done, I will be glad for the changes to my home and we will be comfortable here. I have definately learned that things I valued before just don't matter. I am humbled by the great gifts I have been given this year so I will end this post with 2 lists, Things I am thankful for and Things to do! May God bless you and all of us as we start this new year and work to make 2009 better than 2008.

Things I am Thankful For:

1. My testimony
2. My husband
3. My Children
4. My sister-in-laws
5. The rest of my family
6. My ward
7. My Callings
8. My new friends
9. Having a safe van to drive
10. Having a nice house (many people here live in trailers, we are lucky)
11. Having Robert and Kim close by
12. My laptop, I always feel connected now
13. MD Anderson, I know this is where Josh is supposed to be
14. The Spirit - so many times I am not sure why but I know
something is true ( see #13)
15. Josh's Wii (I will explain this later)
16. The Priesthood - I feel so safe with Gordon leading the way
17. Health Insurance - it starts January 1
18. Gordon's great job - he will be gone alot more but it is worth
it to see him happy and succeeding
19. Good neighbors
20. Friends that have been left behind but never forgotten,
these are people I can still count on an lean on.

Well that list could go on forever but that is the top 20! It made me feel good to write it and humble too. I hope the next list will be as easy and fun and maybe food for thought.

Resolutions

1. Get healthy - let me expound on that:
Lose some weight (I am not saying how much)
See a doctor about several things I have been ignoring
since I did not have health insurance.
Use Josh's Wii fit to exercise regularly ( I really like it)
2. Refocus on our children
I have been going through the motions while Josh has been
in treatment and need to do better.
3. Stop swearing ( it is really bad and Gordon hates it)
4. Stop WHINING
5. Pray more



Let me say a few more things about this list and then I will declare this done and you bored to tears. I have long neglected my health and see the price I am paying. This will stop this year. I am going to have a hystorectomy (yes I know I can't spell). I do not want to say I am dieting because I am not going to, I do plan to change the eating habits that get me into trouble. No more eating at night, smaller portions, healthier choices. If I do that much and exercise the weight will come off. I will say now however, I am not ready to give up sprite, so do not ask!
I am working on bringing the children home for school. I never thought that I would be a "homeschool" mom but I can not shake the feeling that I am supposed to do this. (we are back to that spirit thing) It is very scary but I will do anything for my kids so here goes. I am not sure when I will start it, they may finish this year and start in the fall. It depends on how fast I can get the materials to get going. I just can't ignore Teddy, I feel so strongly that he is at risk at school and could be led to do something he doesn't understand and will never get over. Also, I have talked to so many parents of children like Josh and they never seem to fit in at school again and it hurts their self esteem beyond repair. Even though Josh is smart, he will not be able to keep up with his classmates, physically or in class. Being able to teach at his pace will be great and the activities I can put him in will still give him friends and acceptance. There is a big homeschool community here and they tend to be more accepting of difference. As for the girls, they are so smart I can't wait to teach them things they would never learn in school.
See what I mean, everything just pushes me in this direction. Also while #3 and 4 are self explainatory I would like to say something about #5. I tend to go to the Lord in prayer when I am in need or have to. I need to work on just talking to him more and not always asking for stuff. I want to be a better listener when he talks. I tell him when I should let him tell me.

I am grateful for my Heavenly Father. Why he is so good to a rotten daughter like me is beyond my understanding. I hope that this year finds me closer to him and a better wife and mother and sister because of it. I pray the same to everyone who reads this.

A Social Commentary

Ok, I can not go without this ramble so please be patient.
What is the world coming to? Sarah Palin, the nominee for VP of the USA has 2 sons. The first is Track - a little weird but maybe, then the next, Trigg -What the heck is that?! If she had another I would guess he would be Twigg. But now her daughter (Bristol - not so good herself) has a baby boy and named him Tripp---Are their brains frozen in Alaska? Your name is a statement of who you are. I understand that you want a name to be unique but come on, when did it become bad to name your child for someone who made a difference in your life. What about your anscestors? There are books that tell you what names mean, you can name your child for something strong or whatever but I am sure that Track, Trigg, and Tripp are not in any book, they have no meaning. We have a generation of children with no identity or personal pride. And we wonder why these children are so lost. This generation seems to be without personal accountability or pride. They do not know who they are. Give our children a chance and give them a name to be proud of!

Just Breath

I am starting to get a little worried. I have so much congestion in my lungs now. It still seems to be in the top bronch space but it is getting harder to cough it up and I can't sleep for very long now. I need to hold on for one more week till we have health care coverage on me but I do not feel very good. I keep tellling people I am ok but I did not get to bed till 2 am last night and at 7:30am I just could not lay down anymore. I have been coughing for the last 30 minutes straight and feel like my breathing is shallow and wheezy. At least I am not dizzy this morning, I have been in the past and I know that is a sign of low oxygen. I want to get healthy this year. I want to lose weight and feel better but I need a good doctor to help me. I want someone to give me a low dose of thyroid medicine, my thyroid is in the normal range but just barely. The range for normal is huge, 3.4 down to .9. I am usually at 1.1 so I am very low, I think a jump start to my thyroid would start the weight loss program and give me the energy I need to get going. Then this summer when Josh is feeling better I want to have a hysterextomy (boy that is spelled bad) If I can loss weight and get that done I think I will feel so much better and maybe be ok here. I am so afraid that Gordon will do great in his job and I will just not be able to hack this climate. I know that is why I feel bad, it is always so damp here. Hot and moist, cold and wet. Never dry. Oh well, I will get by, I always do. Meantime back at the ranch, Gordon is sleeping with Rachel this morning because I am making so much noise in bed. It is funny to see him curled up in the back of her full size bed trying not to wake her while she is spread out.

Regrets

Well today was a bust. I had to take Joshua to the hospital for inpatient chemo today. I got a friend to take Dorothy and I was supposed to drop her off on the way. However, as usual I was running late. So in my infinite wisdom, I called the sitter and told her that I would take Dorothy. That way I could see her off to her party (last day of school before the winter break) now normally she goes at noon but today because of a 1/2 day schedule at school she needed to be there early. I reasoned that I could be a little late with Josh and then Dorothy would feel special too. I am not there for the kids as much as I should be. Sounds great -- well I took her to the school at 10am and the lady at the front desk lets me know that she isn't supposed to be there till 11. Well now I do not have a sitter or anyone to call and I can't wait any longer or Josh will miss his chemo. So standing at the front desk of the school I try to reason with a 4 year old. I tell her that maybe she can come to the hospital with Josh and me and then she can play there and I will let her keep the present that she was supposed to give at the party. She of course doesn't get it and is looking at me like I have killed her puppy. The lady working at the desk says "oh mom, look at that face" which makes me feel terrible. I know I blew it but now I have no choice, the school will not watch her and I can't wait so we have to go. I get her in the car and cry for the next 10 minutes for breaking her heart. When we first get to the hospital she is ok and plays well but about 1pm she comes to me and says "is it 11 yet". Luckily by then things were going south with Joshua and my relief society president is coming to get both the girls and take them for a play date with another friend so she was happy about that.
Now, if that was the only thing I did wrong today I would be a bad mom but it gets worse. Joshua started throwing up today in clinic and we realized he was stressed out about the chemo. In this round he takes some by IV and one type by mouth. There is not an option so he has to take it. Well as usual we get to the clinic by 10:30 but they do not have a room till almost 5:30. So he has been sitting all day brooding about this medicine. I try to be understanding and it just gets worse. Then the meds come and I give it to him in applesause and he throws it up. Then I yell at him and tell him that he needs to get over it cause he has to take the medicine we will just keep giving it to him if he does not.(not really yelling just being stern) Well he proceeds to throw up the next dose and I am done. I tell the nurse she will have to do it and to come up with a plan. They always just expect me to make him take things but I do not know what I am doing. Then I decide I don't care anymore. The truth is I hate what we are doing to him, he is so pale now and has such deep shadows under his eyes.... I lay down in the bed and hold him and he asks me to sing primary songs to him. I croak out his favorite 2 and he is just crying. He tells me that he wishes he could just die and not have to do this anymore. I tell him that he is almost done and that it will all be over soon. I tell him how much I love him. I tell him that he will live and grow. In my heart I am weeping. The only part of that which is true is that I love him. His type of cancer is a life long sentence. He will never be "cured" like other cancers. He will not achieve so many of the dreams I had for him. The children who live with his cancer type are in pain and have deminished capacities. They never really go back to the life of a child. They never fit in a school or have the chance to just have friends. Then as I sit there feeling his tears on my arm I tell him how wonderful he is and how much I love him and he says " you are the best mom ever". Oh how I wish that was true, I want to take this from him and I can not. I never seem to do the right thing and he suffers so much. I put the poison in some applesause and get tough if he doesn't get it down. I know I am supposed to do this to save his life but I am taking it away with every day. After all that the doctor told the nurse to just skip that med, and she did not give it. Every time we come here I just want to bolt and say no more but then I just come back. He is the most special boy and I feel like he is just slipping away, I don't mean dying just drifting away and I mourn what is lost. I pray to do better for my children. Well it is after midnight and I had to stop typing because Josh woke up vomiting and I had to clean him up and get the bed linens changed. I do not want to lose him but I just don't know what is the right thing to do. Is this life right? What life will he have? I feel so helpless but tonight I will sleep in a chair by his side and try to at least be there whenever he wakes.

Its Thursday Yes I am Exhausted

Ok, I am running at the speed of light. Yesterday I had a 7:30 breakfast at the school for Dorothy, 9:30 to noon with the relief society president. Dorothy to school, then visiting teaching. After that get the kids from the bus stop, make dinner for the missionaries and then on to scouts. Today I had Josh's teacher in the morning and then Dorothy to school and then off to the hospital for Joshua's hearing test. After that I came home in time to get the kids off the bus and do some cleaning. Then I picked up Maryland at the vet, Gordon took her in the morning (she broke a tooth and needed it removed) fixed dinner, did 4 loads of wash and started the dishes. Oh, yesterday I was so tired I fell asleep sitting up watching the news. I woke up at 2am still sitting up in a chair. It startled me and I coughed for a while but eventually fell back to sleep in my bed about 3am. I can't seem to get rid of the cough and I am just not resting. When I sleep it is because I am so tired I drop but I wake up more tired than before. My kitchen is a mess, and the house is disorganized. The problem is that I just have a lot to do. Well I have to go, I still need to take care of the dogs and finish the dishes. It has been a long time since I got to relax and feel good.

Seven Signs I am Insane (that is illiteration)

Ok, my crazy (but extremely cute) sister-in-law challenged me to do 7 lists of 7 things. I am duplicating her categories except the last one. I am not sure what I will list there yet but she tagged 7 people to do this and I do not have the heart to make 7 people curse me under their breath. hahaha Remember when you read this that I am in a weird place right now so do not be alarmed.

Here we go:
7 Things To Do: (it is supposed to be "before I die" but that was too much for me)

1. Actually finish the cleaning - a start it but never seem to finish
2. Scrapbook for the kids - I haven't done a home craft in 2 years
3. Lose weight - I know I need to but it depresses me cause the minimum number is so high
4. Spend time with the kids doing normal stuff, riding bikes, reading books, doing kids crafts
5. Geneology - I need more people to blame my weirdness on
6. Sleep - when I sleep now I never seem to be able to rest, kids wake me or I toss and turn
and worry. I wake up as tired as when I went to sleep
7. Go a whole day feeling like I was a good mom and didn't screw up

7 Things I can't Do :

1. Sing - I have nodules on my vocal chords and can't sing a note (Thank Heavenly Father)
2. Sleep - see #6 above
3. Travel - Josh can't right now, we can't leave the hospital area
4. Have more children - Gordon says no and I know we have to get more stable but my heart
says we are not done and I long for my babies (yes 2)
5. Live with my budget - Gordon is patient and always gives me more if I am close
6. Work - I used to contribute to our income with a home business but I just seem to be
spread to thin now
7. Lose weigh - refer to #3 above

7 Things that Attracted me to Gordon :

1. His height (ok, Aubry is right those Jones boys are fabulous!)
2. He made me laugh
3. He was soo smart
4. His politics - really, we complete each other and don't cancel out each others votes
5. His testimony and the way he honors his Priesthood (that should be #1 and really is)
6. His goals - family is top of the list
7. Ok this one didn't attract me but ensured we would always be together
When our little girl, Micah, was stillborn I cried and asked what she would have looked like (our son looks like dad) without a seconds hesitation he looked at me and said "just like you of course"
Ok, that was the easiest list of them all and I could have written so much more!

7 Things I say Every Day :

1. Weasle - This is a nickname that I call all my kids
2. Stop That
3. Please let Josh Live
4. I love you - hopefully to each of my children and husband
5. Sweet Boy - what I call Josh when he is feeling bad
6. Gordon stop teaching them that! - this is self explanitory
7. Move over - there is a lot of traffic here in Houston and I am on the road alot and people do
not know how to drive.

7 Books I Love :

1. The scriptures - I thought about cheating and listing the Book of Mormon and bible separate
2. Anything by Mary Higgins Clark - she is a great mystery writer
3. Anything my kids love
4. Robin Cook - Medical thrillers
5. Harry Potter - I admitt it, I loved this series
6. The Comics - ok this doesn't count but I read them everyday and I did list the scriptures
as one so I get a freebee
7. Click Clack Moo - Cows That Type - truly one of the greats
ok that list desinigrated but it was fun

7 Movies I Love :

1. Star Wars - my boys are totally into it right now (I am old enough to have seen it in theaters)
2. Harry Potter - see #5 above
3. Steel Magnolias - most of my life philosiphy is based on it
4. Indiana Jones - I love a guy in a hat I am trying to get Gordon to buy a cowboy hat now
5. Fried Green Tomatoes - I wish I was Iggy Threadgood
6. Hildogo - I loved those horses
7. Lord Of the Rings - there is so much in that if you watch it enough (yes I know it is fantasy
look past it to the medaphors and such)
Ok, it took alot of guts to list that last one, I am sure there are some wrinkled noses. I guess the stuggle for good and evil and surviving against all odds against a foe so big no one can win is too close to my real life right now.

Here it comes, the 7th list

7 Things I Wish :

1. I wish no child ever suffered from cancer again!
2. I wish I was not so tired and had the energy to be a better mom
3. I wish my sisters were happy - to many of them are not
4. I wish my mom lived closer to me (Gordon's mom too)
5. I wish we had enough land to have 10 beagles - I would love my dogs to be more of a business
6. I wish for more patience
7. I wish I understood why things have to be this way on the earth

I almost wished for hope but that wasn't right. I have eternal hope but I see my family slipping away on the earth and it scares me so much. Josh is sick, Ted is at risk, I worry the girls are not getting a good model from me. I feel like a stretchy frog. I am trying to hold onto it all but not sure if I can. If I let go the rest will fly away.

Believe it or not, I loved writing this list of 7s. I think it gave me perspective and some things were fun. It was probably more information than you needed but what the heck! Maybe you should write your own lists. The kids are out in the yard and the dogs are having a blast so I had better go get in the shower while I can. Yes today is a good day.

The Beginning

There really is no beginning. I am not even sure I am going to tell anyone about this blog at all. I just want to write about my life so I can try to make sense of it somehow.

I am the mother of 5 children, the oldest is 9 and the youngest is 3. We have moved to 2 different states in the last 2 years. We have been through a blizzard, tornadoes, and a hurricane during these moves. My husband has been out of full time work for 2 years and just got a great job! We adopted 4 of our 5 kids so we have some special challenges, oh and did I mention, our oldest has medullablastoma brain cancer.

I was not kidding, weird things happen to us. Mostly we are ok and very blessed but our friends tell us if we didn't have bad luck we wouldn't have any luck at all. I hope to write some fun things here and maybe some sad ones too. I need to say how I feel without worrying about how it makes someone else feel. Alot of the time I don't know how I really feel. Sometimes I am fine and sometimes I feel overwelmed with pain, I can't stop it. I never used to cry but now I find myself crying at odd times. The first time I saw the walmart commercial for Christmas this year I burst into tears (that is just goofy). I have impressions in my heart that frighten me and I think if I tell people they will think I am crazy.

Well this is the place! I vow to write it all here. I want to say what I feel and think and mean. I will hopefully make you laugh more than I make you cry and only make you think I am crazy a little.