I couldn't get a Word in Edgewise!

Last night was the nicest time we have had in a long time. I credit my mother-in-law for sharing her recipe for cheeseburger soup. I wanted Gordon to enjoy dinner so I made it and then after dinner he went upstairs to play marble works with the boys. Of course the girls joined in and they had a blast. After we got the munchkins to bed Gordon did some dishes (yes it is true) and we played scrabble. Although Gordon got all the good letters, we had so much fun. (I got all the vowels) We did not watch TV, I think that I am finally growing up - I do not have time for it much anymore. If I could cocoon our lives and make every day like last night we would be the happiest family. I have been so nervous about homeschooling but I just keep thinking how much fun it will be and how important it is, for our family, to spend as much time together as possible. I want us to have fun together and I think we will be stronger this way. I am planning to let them have valentines day at school and take them out after that. We will be fine, together we can do anything!

You Can Handle It

I do not even know where to start. I feel so.... I don't know, like there is nothing I can count on or be sure of. Now if Gordon frowns I am worried he is sick or getting sick. It was so frightening to see him in that emergency room. To top it off 2 kids with Josh diagnoses died this week. They were both about 1 year out of treatment. I got a blessing when Gordon was in the ER but it was not a big help, don't misunderstand, every blessing is wonderful but I was hoping for more reassurance but instead got a "you can handle whatever comes". I guess I just don't want anything more to come..... I feel like I am getting numb. Someone was talking about Gordon being a softy and they asked if I was like that. I told them I could be but I didn't have time to anymore. I just have to keep it together all the time. I missed out on relief society last night cause Gordon was running a temperature. I was so worried and just didn't think I could leave him. I don't mind taking care of everybody but there just isn't any end anymore. Every time I think I have a handle on it and everything is going ok the bottom drops out. I worry about Josh Gordon, Teddy and then add on money, the house, school.....Boy do I have a list. I am eating everything in site right now from the stress. I don't even care cause I don't have time to. Well, I have to finish this post cause Joshua woke up with an ear ache and he is still congested so I think we may have to go to the clinic. If he needs antibiotics they will put him in the hospital but then what do I do about Gordon? He is still sick and I don't want to leave him. I am hoping I can keep Josh at home till Gordon feels better then I will take Josh in. I feel terrible trying to choose who is more in need right now...........

Pieces of My Heart

I am so touched by this video. First I can hear the father. I am sure when the calf was injured that the little boy pleaded for his life and the father said they would watch it overnight but had to make a decision in the morning. How brave was that little boy to do what had to be done himself. I wish I could be as good a parent as that boy's must be. Sometimes I wish we could have a simple life like that family. I know that life on a ranch is hard but what basic truths are being taught through that way of life. How much could our children (or even ourselves) talk to God if there was less noise from the world and open skies to look up to the heavens. Also how wonderful that Logan was not ashamed or embarassed to say that God told him something. But the thing that touched me most was when the dj asked Logan if he was going to be ok and he said oh, I'll be allright. I could not help thinking of Joshua...... What perfect faith of a child, I know Josh will be alright but I am the one who is frightened. I can't even explain how that tears at my heart, the acceptance of what is and will be. I spend so much time fighting and worrying about what I can not change and I can't seem to let go.

Mostly I fear that I will not have the strength of Logan to let go and do what I have to. Even small problems like the one we are dealing with now (see the other blog) are more than I can bear. I am heartbroken for Joshua and just can't stop thinking about the last thing Logan said. He told them to RUN to Him. It is truly the only way to survive our broken hearts in this life. The only one who gets it is waiting for us to come to him and he will take our hands. I hope that this video reminds us all of our savior and where to turn when life is tough. I know I would have fallen apart by now without him. I know that my broken heart is in is hands and he has all the pieces.

Childrens Dream and Little Bits

When we have our children we give birth to dreams with them. The same is true for my adopted children. However, we are just fooling ourselves with those dreams. We think that our little minds can make things happen and the world with work out the way we imagined. It is our arrogance and pride that thinks this control is within our grasp. The best we can hope for is that our fears do not happen, our children make dreams for themselves and we just help them to achieve those dreams. Sometimes that means accepting that our dreams do not matter and that we are not part of the future they plan. Teddy is 7 this month and I already feel like his dreams take him away from me. Last night he asked me about his mother, or rather he was asking Josh and Josh made him ask me. He wanted to know where she was, why he couldn't be with her. He asked if I could find her and if he could see her. I told him that she was too young to raise him and that we were blessed to be his mom and dad. I promised him that when he was old enough (at least 16) I would find her and take him to see her. I was not expecting his next comment. He asked "will she be old enough then?" He has asked about her before but it was still a shock to realize that his mind set is just that this family is a way to bide time till he can be with her. It breaks my heart because the chances that a reunion with Erin would be what he hopes it will be are slim. It also is a reminder of what I can't be for him. He is seven and he feels abandoned every day. He makes up a dream life with someone who isn't there instead of enjoying and allowing the mother who loves him in. He feels that he can't trust. And yet he is the sweetest boy, so gentle. He doesn't see his own worth, in such a short time she hurt him so much. How I wish I could take it from him. I wish I could give him dreams that don't hurt. I wish I could take her place in his heart. I don't know if that is right but it is true, maybe it would hurt less for him. Everybody thinks that Joshua illness is the greatest thing that could go wrong. But I worry for all my children, sometimes it is painfully clear that I can not stop life or the events that will play out for each of them. I guess that I am getting excited about homeschooling. The chance to be a greater part of their lives is exciting. I love the idea that we will explore the world together. I know I am setting myself up to be disappointed but maybe if I can help open the world up for Teddy it will make a difference for him and for us. There isn't anything I would not give my children.

Ok, the kids just got home from school and I am livid! Dorothy has been absent from school because of Josh's treatment. Not a lot but some days. And several times she was late cause we had to get home from the hospital to get her there. Well the school councelor told me yesterday that the district truant officer was going to "report" us but that she persuaded them to hold off. She told me she explained our situation and the were not moved but would wait for now. Ok, cut to today, I got a letter in Dorothy's backpack signed by the vice-principal stating that we were in violation of the law and could be procecuted - I am not making this up. What crack are they smoking?! Dorothy is in pre-K. It gets worse too, I called the district truant officer and he did not know anything about it. He said it is at the school's discresion and the district policy is not to inforce this code till they are in 1st grade. He also said counting a tardy as an absence is the schools choice too. He is launching an investigation but I am at the end. I am pulling Dorothy out of school and some sisters in my ward want to do a Joy school and I will participate in that. It is obvious that the school does not care about the kids, just the numbers. Boy, I will be glad not to have to stress anymore about this when the kids are home. I just do not need to deal with stupid people (sorry if that is offensive) I have special kids and they are wonderful and they need to have people in their lives that are loving and put them first. I need people who support us and work to make our lives better, not pull us down.

Ok, this was supposed to be a small introspective on children's dreams but somehow it blew up. Let me back up and just say that I love my children. All kids are precious but mine have some special challenges (having me for a mom is on the list) I will fight the world to protect them and give them everything I have. I am learning, however, that as I have said before, what they really need is Heavenly Father, his plan is perfect and there is so much I can not do but he needs to help me. It humbles me to think that he gets all of this, I only get a little bit.