More Ramblings, Read at your own Risk

I have been so down lately. There is no one that understands how I feel. I found out this week that one of my sister-in-laws is pregnant. (another is too) That is the best news ever! I am glad that both of them are expecting and can't wait to see these precious babies BUT (yes that is a big but ((hahahaha)) ) it is hard to see people going on with their lives. I am not going anywhere and I am frustrated. It is hard because a lot of people think that with Josh finishing chemo that everything will go back to normal and we will be ok. It doesn't work that way. This is never going to be over. We will be done chemo but there is always something to deal with and we still have the worry. Every decision in our lives in now made by this terrible monster. I wanted to go to a time out for woman meeting but I couldn't, we had appointments. I don't mind the sacrifice for Josh or the other children, that is more than ok, I just feel like everything is closing in. All the things I want or planned for just don't matter. I don't have anything to look forward to, now my life is reduced to taking care of the kids and waiting for the next obstacle that I need to overcome for them. I know I can't get pregnant, and yes I know that right now we don't have the energy for a little one but the thought of new life and hope sounds so wonderful. One of the things that I have lost in this fight is that, I did not think we were done having kids and everyone is very quick to tell me now that is not possible. It breaks my heart to think that maybe there was another baby but that door is now closed. That is kind of what I mean when I say I have lost my dreams. There are no choices now I just have to get through the days one by one.
I know that I have to get over feeling this way but it is not that easy. I will find a way, I have to for the children and Gordon but it doesn't change how I feel today. As for the new babies, I am not sad about them, how could I be? If I had heard that someone got a new job or any other great life changing news it would have been the same thing, How I feel is completely about me. (sounds selfish doesn't it?) I just want my life back, I want Josh's life back, I just want to be average.