Regrets

Well today was a bust. I had to take Joshua to the hospital for inpatient chemo today. I got a friend to take Dorothy and I was supposed to drop her off on the way. However, as usual I was running late. So in my infinite wisdom, I called the sitter and told her that I would take Dorothy. That way I could see her off to her party (last day of school before the winter break) now normally she goes at noon but today because of a 1/2 day schedule at school she needed to be there early. I reasoned that I could be a little late with Josh and then Dorothy would feel special too. I am not there for the kids as much as I should be. Sounds great -- well I took her to the school at 10am and the lady at the front desk lets me know that she isn't supposed to be there till 11. Well now I do not have a sitter or anyone to call and I can't wait any longer or Josh will miss his chemo. So standing at the front desk of the school I try to reason with a 4 year old. I tell her that maybe she can come to the hospital with Josh and me and then she can play there and I will let her keep the present that she was supposed to give at the party. She of course doesn't get it and is looking at me like I have killed her puppy. The lady working at the desk says "oh mom, look at that face" which makes me feel terrible. I know I blew it but now I have no choice, the school will not watch her and I can't wait so we have to go. I get her in the car and cry for the next 10 minutes for breaking her heart. When we first get to the hospital she is ok and plays well but about 1pm she comes to me and says "is it 11 yet". Luckily by then things were going south with Joshua and my relief society president is coming to get both the girls and take them for a play date with another friend so she was happy about that.
Now, if that was the only thing I did wrong today I would be a bad mom but it gets worse. Joshua started throwing up today in clinic and we realized he was stressed out about the chemo. In this round he takes some by IV and one type by mouth. There is not an option so he has to take it. Well as usual we get to the clinic by 10:30 but they do not have a room till almost 5:30. So he has been sitting all day brooding about this medicine. I try to be understanding and it just gets worse. Then the meds come and I give it to him in applesause and he throws it up. Then I yell at him and tell him that he needs to get over it cause he has to take the medicine we will just keep giving it to him if he does not.(not really yelling just being stern) Well he proceeds to throw up the next dose and I am done. I tell the nurse she will have to do it and to come up with a plan. They always just expect me to make him take things but I do not know what I am doing. Then I decide I don't care anymore. The truth is I hate what we are doing to him, he is so pale now and has such deep shadows under his eyes.... I lay down in the bed and hold him and he asks me to sing primary songs to him. I croak out his favorite 2 and he is just crying. He tells me that he wishes he could just die and not have to do this anymore. I tell him that he is almost done and that it will all be over soon. I tell him how much I love him. I tell him that he will live and grow. In my heart I am weeping. The only part of that which is true is that I love him. His type of cancer is a life long sentence. He will never be "cured" like other cancers. He will not achieve so many of the dreams I had for him. The children who live with his cancer type are in pain and have deminished capacities. They never really go back to the life of a child. They never fit in a school or have the chance to just have friends. Then as I sit there feeling his tears on my arm I tell him how wonderful he is and how much I love him and he says " you are the best mom ever". Oh how I wish that was true, I want to take this from him and I can not. I never seem to do the right thing and he suffers so much. I put the poison in some applesause and get tough if he doesn't get it down. I know I am supposed to do this to save his life but I am taking it away with every day. After all that the doctor told the nurse to just skip that med, and she did not give it. Every time we come here I just want to bolt and say no more but then I just come back. He is the most special boy and I feel like he is just slipping away, I don't mean dying just drifting away and I mourn what is lost. I pray to do better for my children. Well it is after midnight and I had to stop typing because Josh woke up vomiting and I had to clean him up and get the bed linens changed. I do not want to lose him but I just don't know what is the right thing to do. Is this life right? What life will he have? I feel so helpless but tonight I will sleep in a chair by his side and try to at least be there whenever he wakes.