When we have our children we give birth to dreams with them. The same is true for my adopted children. However, we are just fooling ourselves with those dreams. We think that our little minds can make things happen and the world with work out the way we imagined. It is our arrogance and pride that thinks this control is within our grasp. The best we can hope for is that our fears do not happen, our children make dreams for themselves and we just help them to achieve those dreams. Sometimes that means accepting that our dreams do not matter and that we are not part of the future they plan. Teddy is 7 this month and I already feel like his dreams take him away from me. Last night he asked me about his mother, or rather he was asking Josh and Josh made him ask me. He wanted to know where she was, why he couldn't be with her. He asked if I could find her and if he could see her. I told him that she was too young to raise him and that we were blessed to be his mom and dad. I promised him that when he was old enough (at least 16) I would find her and take him to see her. I was not expecting his next comment. He asked "will she be old enough then?" He has asked about her before but it was still a shock to realize that his mind set is just that this family is a way to bide time till he can be with her. It breaks my heart because the chances that a reunion with Erin would be what he hopes it will be are slim. It also is a reminder of what I can't be for him. He is seven and he feels abandoned every day. He makes up a dream life with someone who isn't there instead of enjoying and allowing the mother who loves him in. He feels that he can't trust. And yet he is the sweetest boy, so gentle. He doesn't see his own worth, in such a short time she hurt him so much. How I wish I could take it from him. I wish I could give him dreams that don't hurt. I wish I could take her place in his heart. I don't know if that is right but it is true, maybe it would hurt less for him. Everybody thinks that Joshua illness is the greatest thing that could go wrong. But I worry for all my children, sometimes it is painfully clear that I can not stop life or the events that will play out for each of them. I guess that I am getting excited about homeschooling. The chance to be a greater part of their lives is exciting. I love the idea that we will explore the world together. I know I am setting myself up to be disappointed but maybe if I can help open the world up for Teddy it will make a difference for him and for us. There isn't anything I would not give my children.
Ok, the kids just got home from school and I am livid! Dorothy has been absent from school because of Josh's treatment. Not a lot but some days. And several times she was late cause we had to get home from the hospital to get her there. Well the school councelor told me yesterday that the district truant officer was going to "report" us but that she persuaded them to hold off. She told me she explained our situation and the were not moved but would wait for now. Ok, cut to today, I got a letter in Dorothy's backpack signed by the vice-principal stating that we were in violation of the law and could be procecuted - I am not making this up. What crack are they smoking?! Dorothy is in pre-K. It gets worse too, I called the district truant officer and he did not know anything about it. He said it is at the school's discresion and the district policy is not to inforce this code till they are in 1st grade. He also said counting a tardy as an absence is the schools choice too. He is launching an investigation but I am at the end. I am pulling Dorothy out of school and some sisters in my ward want to do a Joy school and I will participate in that. It is obvious that the school does not care about the kids, just the numbers. Boy, I will be glad not to have to stress anymore about this when the kids are home. I just do not need to deal with stupid people (sorry if that is offensive) I have special kids and they are wonderful and they need to have people in their lives that are loving and put them first. I need people who support us and work to make our lives better, not pull us down.
Ok, this was supposed to be a small introspective on children's dreams but somehow it blew up. Let me back up and just say that I love my children. All kids are precious but mine have some special challenges (having me for a mom is on the list) I will fight the world to protect them and give them everything I have. I am learning, however, that as I have said before, what they really need is Heavenly Father, his plan is perfect and there is so much I can not do but he needs to help me. It humbles me to think that he gets all of this, I only get a little bit.
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2 comments:
it is so comforting to me that we only have to figure out the "hows" here and then we will learn the "whys". doesn't always make it easier, just bearable. love you
I know what you mean about dreams for your children. I remember when Michelle got pregnant, I felt like someone died. What died was my dreams for her to finish college, marry in the Temple and all my other dreams for her. But like you I found out it is not my dreams that count. Heavenly Father is there and blessed us with Matthew, who I love more than anything in the world. But I learned an important lesson, that Heavenly Father is always present and there for us. You are doing a great job, keep it up!!!!
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