You Can Handle It

I do not even know where to start. I feel so.... I don't know, like there is nothing I can count on or be sure of. Now if Gordon frowns I am worried he is sick or getting sick. It was so frightening to see him in that emergency room. To top it off 2 kids with Josh diagnoses died this week. They were both about 1 year out of treatment. I got a blessing when Gordon was in the ER but it was not a big help, don't misunderstand, every blessing is wonderful but I was hoping for more reassurance but instead got a "you can handle whatever comes". I guess I just don't want anything more to come..... I feel like I am getting numb. Someone was talking about Gordon being a softy and they asked if I was like that. I told them I could be but I didn't have time to anymore. I just have to keep it together all the time. I missed out on relief society last night cause Gordon was running a temperature. I was so worried and just didn't think I could leave him. I don't mind taking care of everybody but there just isn't any end anymore. Every time I think I have a handle on it and everything is going ok the bottom drops out. I worry about Josh Gordon, Teddy and then add on money, the house, school.....Boy do I have a list. I am eating everything in site right now from the stress. I don't even care cause I don't have time to. Well, I have to finish this post cause Joshua woke up with an ear ache and he is still congested so I think we may have to go to the clinic. If he needs antibiotics they will put him in the hospital but then what do I do about Gordon? He is still sick and I don't want to leave him. I am hoping I can keep Josh at home till Gordon feels better then I will take Josh in. I feel terrible trying to choose who is more in need right now...........