Saturday, May 16, 2009

Musing

I don't know why I am meloncoly tonight so I apoligize now. I was reflecting on what it is like to be a parent with a child with a brain tumor and this is my thoughts.

One day when the world is right and you feel secure someone tells you your child has a brain tumor. Except they don't say tumor, to make the blow easier they use the word "mass" thinking that makes it easier to hear. Then they try to tell you its not cancer (but in your heart you know it is) and they argue about when to take it out. You are screaming to get the evil thing out of your child but you are powerless and wait. Eventually they concede that it must be cancer and do the surgery. 6 to 8 hours later you are relieved that he is alive and can breath without a machine. You are grateful for the the tears and pain he is in because it is proof you have not lost him yet. When you finally relax and his pain seems to be easing a stranger comes in and starts using words you have never heard. They tell you its cancer and a type you have never heard of. Before this sinks in you are given a "schedule" for treatment. There are no options offered, no more words of comfort. You sign forms and pray it will work. Every day becomes a struggle to survive. You close your heart, praying you can keep everybody you love inside and not lose anyone. You let everything go and stop dreaming. You tell everyone you are fine but inside you are broken and it is not fixable. After many months of terrible terrible treatments during which you watch your child drift to the edge of life. You watch his spirit shrink and his will to fight barely hold on. You watch his dreams die and see him surpass you in maturity. (that sounds good but no child should grow up this way) Anyway, after what seems like forever you are done with the treatment. But what does that mean? Can he go back to "normal"? He thought he would if he did everthing you told him but it can't happen. He will never be who he was before and nothing you do can fix it for him. Sadly you know that he will deteriorate over the next 18 months or so and once again you are powerless to do anything but wait for the bottom. The terrible joke of it all is that in the backround is still that evil cancer and it can reappear (and usually does) at anytime. At the end of everyday you are sooo very grateful that you had another one with your family. Grateful for the support you have. But you are left in the end still holding on and life goes on but is never the same. How do you move forward when you are not even sure you want to. Moving forward means letting this unfold completely and you certainly don't want that. So many nights without sleep, so many days without genuine fun, no more dreams. The fight now becomes to make that my reality not his. Or the other children. To give them another day of just being kids is all I want now. To hear them squabble and laugh, no thought to tomorrow. If I could only keep the world out forever......

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Is That a Dog or a Baby?

Ok, I spoil my dogs, I will admitt it. And I know that Lanae will read this and think it is further proof that dogs are bad, but that is just not true. When you see your child lite up and hug that puppy or dog, you know it is worth it (like everything else you do for them). Ok, with that out of the way.,,,, We have a new puppy. However, he is not really a puppy, he is 7 months old. However he spent the first seven months of his life on a farm. No human contact other than an elderly couple that fed him and did not play with him. No name, no training, not even a treat now and then. He is beautiful and sweet and very loving. He is also scared of everything. The last 2 nights I have been up half the night because something frightened him. First a cow (yes you read that right) was crying and he howled along with it. We think it was a mother who's calf was hit by a car. I was up till 2:30. If I crate him away from the girls he got more frightened. Last night I turned off the porch light and went to bed and he started barking again. At about 1am I figured it out. If I turned the light back on he settled down. I guess I have the first dog in history to be afraid of the dark. I am sure in a month or so he will be settled down and some training will help him feel safe but right now it is like having a baby. The children named him Malachi and I hope he is powerful like that prophet. We are also hoping he makes a good father, that is why we bought him. Meanwhile, I will try not to fall asleep during homeschool time and sleep when I can...........

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Funraisers and Fitting In

Ok, in the last year we have been invited to alot of fundraisers for children with cancer and so forth. I have not been comfortable attending any of them. I know what I am about to say sounds weird but I really felt that attending would make us one of "those families". You know, you see them on the news, they look so sad and you feel so bad for them with a sick child. However, I could not miss this one. We were invited to attend a motorcycle ride for the Pediatric Brain Tumor Foundation. The kids got to do a ride on bikes and I knew they would love it. It was SUPER! The girls rode in side cars and Ted and Josh got to ride on the back of some really cool motorcycles. They went on an hour ride around Houston with 600 or so bikes. When they came back there was lunch and a program where Josh got to go up on stage with the other kids with cancer and they introduced him and later he got to draw a raffle ticket where someone won a new motorcycle. It was fun, I didn't mind going at all. Gordon and I laughed, we put them on bikes with total strangers and as they were driving away I said to Gordon, do you know where they are going? He laughed and said no. The people there were so nice we weren't worried at all. It is funny to put your 3 and 4 year old on a bike with a Hells Angel and wave goodbye. I guess it is all part of our new reality, normal but definitely different. After that we drove most of the way to Austin and picked up an new dog. He is really cute. However he is very lonely and crying in the back yard so I have to go help him fit in with the girls. It was a long day but lots of fun and the kids had a blast

Thursday, April 23, 2009

A Great Vacation

I am not sure where to start. We went on vacation to Gordon's Uncle's Ranch (boy that is a mouthful) and I guess I could start this blog with "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times". It was a great trip and we really had a great time. However, it was a typical event for us and full of drama! First, I packed and got us out the door alone because Gordon was busy doing taxes. Then we traveled 2 hard days ride and arrived at the ranch late in the afternoon on the 2nd day. I had not slept in about 4 days and was exhausted. When I got there I made a triple batch of funeral potatoes. Then we ate and played cards till bed time. When I finally got to bed I had a panic attack. I have had a small one before but never this big. I was up all night and could not stop shaking. I kept thinking that I just wanted to go home. I think I was just so overwelmed by suddenly being out of our home and seeing people that are so important to us. They seemed so ordinary, there was hope and dreams and future plans for them. Everybody talked so casually about things. Our lives have not been like that for so long. We live every day waiting for the other shoe to drop. The only hope and dreams we have are just to get through the day. I guess when you are in the middle of it you don't realize how isolated you become and to suddenly be in the middle of "normal" is hard. Anyway, the reason I am sharing this is, in the morning when my wonderful sister-in-laws got up - instead of feeling bad they made me feel great. I didn't feel embarassed to tell them about it and after I did I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I don't miss Arizona but I sure miss them. I didn't feel different anymore I just felt peaceful. That afternoon I slept 5 hours and felt great when I got up. It was great to be with such special sisters and all the family. We had a great time and even the long drive home wasn't bad. (Ted threw up in the night in the hotel and the second day was rough, driving as fast a we could to get him home to rest.) Sometimes I am sad, I don't think there will ever be a normal for us but I just have to remember that I have been blessed with special sisters and I can't help but smile. (funny - writing that makes me cry) Anyway, Gordon has huge bruises from a fall from the horse and he is sore but secretly I think proud that he can still take it.( men are weird) The kids loved it and Luggable Lou got us through. That counts as a great vacation.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Calling all Insults

Ok, this has been a personally rough week. Very funny though..... I went to an endrocronologist. He thinks I have sleep apnea and when I asked why he thought that he said my tongue was too big for my mouth. I know that is a clinical finding but it really hurt. Then I was in the walmart and the sales girl saw me with all the children and asked if I was their grandmother. Ouch. Yesterday the doctors office called and told me that I was deficient. Apparently I do not have any vitamin D. They want me to start taking large doses to help. Boy my confidence is shot. Gordon was kind enough to tell me that my tongue probably got that way from over use. (talking - don't get any ideas) I turned to my mother for support about the grandma comment and she fired off an email with grandmother jokes and tips. So much for the support system! It is pretty funny. I guess that there is so much stress and tension in my life as a mom and wife that my own life is just goofy. I am still searching for mediocrity. To be average, look normal, to blend in. All of this is really funny but also pretty sad too. Most people don't get one of these let alone 3 in a week. Oh well, I will keep laughing and try not to keep looking at my tongue in mirrors.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Call 911 - Call 911

Ok, my sister-in-law said I should tell the ticket story and it does involve police but I think this is a better story. Yesterday morning I was in the shower and the doorbell rang. The children came up and told me that no one was there but there was "white foamy stuff on the door" I told them to lock it and I would come down and see about it. When I got dressed I came down and the foam was almost all dissolved but you could see it there. I then saw about 6 police cars and 2 teenagers in the street several houses down. I told the kids to stay in the house and went down the street. I asked the officers if these were the boys who sprayed my front door and they said they didn't know what I was talking about. I gave them a statement and asked if I could clean my door. They said to go ahead. I came home and Joshua cleaned the door for me. About an hour later the doorbell rang again. (you are right, I was not getting much done with all this ringing going on) It was the police with the boys and a roll of paper towels. They wanted to clean the door. I told them that it was already done and then told the boys that somebody always has to clean up the mess when they make bad choices. They tried to apologize and I told them they would have to apologize to Josh. I then explained that he was 9 and has a brain tumor and that you never know who is having to clean up your mess. I thought the one boy would cry when Josh came out and showed them his scar. They said sorry and promised to never do it again. It was probably mean to pull out the cancer card but it was priceless and I think they learned a lesson they will never forget. Also I think I made the officer's day, as they left I heard him say see what happens when you do things you shouldn't?
One funny thing about this story is that just the night before I commented to Gordon that in the first 9 months we lived in Nebraska the police came to our house 3 times (no - I never got arrested) and I thought that it was very quiet here in Texas. I can't believe that the very next morning I was dealing with the cops!
I guess the more things change the more they stay the same. I will let you know if that is a good thing.
PS. I did not get a ticket just a warning, thanks to my wonderful children. (refer to first sentence in this post)

Saturday, March 14, 2009

More Ramblings, Read at your own Risk

I have been so down lately. There is no one that understands how I feel. I found out this week that one of my sister-in-laws is pregnant. (another is too) That is the best news ever! I am glad that both of them are expecting and can't wait to see these precious babies BUT (yes that is a big but ((hahahaha)) ) it is hard to see people going on with their lives. I am not going anywhere and I am frustrated. It is hard because a lot of people think that with Josh finishing chemo that everything will go back to normal and we will be ok. It doesn't work that way. This is never going to be over. We will be done chemo but there is always something to deal with and we still have the worry. Every decision in our lives in now made by this terrible monster. I wanted to go to a time out for woman meeting but I couldn't, we had appointments. I don't mind the sacrifice for Josh or the other children, that is more than ok, I just feel like everything is closing in. All the things I want or planned for just don't matter. I don't have anything to look forward to, now my life is reduced to taking care of the kids and waiting for the next obstacle that I need to overcome for them. I know I can't get pregnant, and yes I know that right now we don't have the energy for a little one but the thought of new life and hope sounds so wonderful. One of the things that I have lost in this fight is that, I did not think we were done having kids and everyone is very quick to tell me now that is not possible. It breaks my heart to think that maybe there was another baby but that door is now closed. That is kind of what I mean when I say I have lost my dreams. There are no choices now I just have to get through the days one by one.
I know that I have to get over feeling this way but it is not that easy. I will find a way, I have to for the children and Gordon but it doesn't change how I feel today. As for the new babies, I am not sad about them, how could I be? If I had heard that someone got a new job or any other great life changing news it would have been the same thing, How I feel is completely about me. (sounds selfish doesn't it?) I just want my life back, I want Josh's life back, I just want to be average.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Homeschooling Where?

I am posting for 2 reasons. 1. to catch up and 2. so you won't have to look at my picture anymore. I am really enjoying homeschooling. We do projects and work together. The kids actually were sad on Saturday when I told them there was no school. I was a little nervous about where to start but we are having fun and they are actually learning. Rachel is not really ready but she is getting some things and it will make it easy when she is old enough to do more. I have not started field trips but hope to this month. Ok, on to me.
Things are out of control again (did they ever stop?) Gordon was looking at houses online about 2 weeks ago and when we talked about it he wants to move. We will stay in Houston but he wants to move away from Pearland. He is so upset about the schools here and worries that if we wanted to we couldn't put the kids back in school. I am of 2 minds about it. We bought this house because Gordon wasn't working and it was what we could afford. It is definitely too small and we are on top of each other. Also, I seem to be struggling to make this house a home. The hurricane hasn't helped with the damage 1/3 of our boxes are not unpacked. There are no pictures on the walls, the kids rooms are not decorated..... We could move now and not loss any money in the deal. Maybe starting over would be good. I was not even here to pick this house, it would be nice to do that together as a family. On the flip side we have a small mortgage here, I love our ward and have made such good friends here. Also, I am tired, it is alot of work to sell and pack and move. I have reached a point that I just don't get attached to any idea. I will prepare the house to sell and pack but if it happens great, if it doesn't I am fine with that too. More than anything I just can't handle anymore disappointments. The dogs didn't breed, and it was kind of the last straw. If I don't get excited about anything I can't be disappointed either. People who have not had a child with cancer may not understand this but I am really getting nervous about the end of treatment. Once you are done you wait. And you feel helpless, there is nothing you can do to change what may come so it is very nerve racking. Maybe moving would be a good thing. It certainly would mean I would be busy and not have time to worry so much. OK, this is probably enough whining, I am sure the picture is below the line and can't be seen.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Dressy Buffalo?




Ok, I had a really nice Valentines. We went to a stake dance and I found out that it was dressy so I went over to Ross and found this dress for $12! I don't think the pictures do it justice, I got lots of compliments and felt very pretty. Gordon suggested we take the children to dinner and he had a gift certificate to Red Robin that his office gave him for his birthday so we had fun and then left the kids with a sitter and headed to the church. We are making some good friends and had a fun time with them. I love to dance with Gordon and it was very romantic. It was a great Valentines day and I loved it. I am putting pictures of the dress on for my sister-in-laws to see. While we were out with the kids we went to the store for a new webkinz for Josh and Gordon bought me a buffalo webkinz for valentines and I love it. (for a long time I thought that buffalo were extinct so it is kind of a running joke with me) Anyway, I have been very down lately so it was nice to have a good day.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Which Direction Should I Go?

I wonder sometimes where I am going. God must be moving me because every time I try and go somewhere the way is blocked. I have been trying to breed the dogs, something I love and that will bring in income and there is one obstacle after another. Maryland's heat is over, we missed it. We had her with a perfectly good male and he wouldn't take her. The chances of that are like one in a million. Now we have 2 males lined up for Megan and neither one seems to be working out. If I am "lucky" I will get to take her 110 miles each way and hope it works out. I keep thinking that it will not work out. That is my norm now. Also I found a way to sell the Arizona house but that doesn't seem to be working out either. I thought we could raffle it off. Pay the mortgage and the rest goes to charity but that is not working either. I can't find a charity to help and now they are saying that the charity would have to buy the house and couldn't pay more than market value for it anyway so we would still be in the hole. I am tired of working and trying to get ahead and it doesn't seem to work out. I don't want to be rich I just want security. Nothing is secure in my life. Every time Gordon looks tired I panic, I spend every day waiting for the other shoe to fall with Joshua. I don't know how we are going to ever get out from under that house. Gordon and I had been thinking if we could sell that house we could sell this one and afford to get a house with some land and settle down. Get some more dogs, make a niche for ourselves. There are no other breeders here and I could really make something successful out of it. I just don't see that happening right now. If we put the money into adding a room onto this house we will be here for a while. I get depressed. Gordon has a job he loves, the kids have friends and church and they are doing well. But I don't have anything for myself. I have lots for the kids and don't get me wrong, I am sooo grateful that things are going well for them but I need success for me too. I don't scrapebook anymore, I don't have time or budget for it. I don't do candles or beads or any of the things that I loved or made into a hobby/business. I need to figure out what I am supposed to be doing. I know what my job is for the family but I want to know what I should be doing for me. I don't know if that sounds right, I may not be saying it right.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Testing, Testing, 123 (ABC)

I had the most fun last night! I gave each of the children a placement test in math to see where they are and what I need to get started and it was a comedy skit! Ted did great but you could see that it was a boy taking the test. I put 8 pennies in a line and asked him to make a row just like it. He asked if he could do it his way and I told him to do what he thought was right and he put 8 pennies in a triangle. When I asked him if that was the same as mine he admitted it wasn't and fixed it but I could tell he liked his triangle better. Miriam was very advanced but hesitant. I can see that she doesn't trust herself as much as she should. Dorothy was great! I showed her a penny, a nickel, and a dime and asked what the penny was. She said penny, then I asked about the nickel and she said (without skiping a beat) a coin. Hard to mess with that logic. Then I put 6 pennies, 2 nickels and 4 dimes in a pile and asked her to sort them. She put the dimes in a pile, the nickels in a pile and 4 of the pennies in one pile and the other 2 in another. I thought she put the pennies to match the other 2 coins piles but when I asked why she divided up the pennies she looked at me like I was slow and informed me that the 2 of them were not shiny. By now Gordon was on the floor laughing and poor Dorothy was looking very confused. I quickly told her dad was reading something funny and praised her good thinking. Then I finished up with Rachel. I put 8 pennies in a row and asked her to make one just like it. She did very well but got a little off track at the end and used 9 pennies. I had her count my row and then hers and she agreed they were not the same. I then told her to fix it and she promptly put another penny in my row. Obviously hers was not the problem. I can see that I have my work cut out for me. I have kids that are very smart but have different styles of learning and for the most part have well developed egos. laugh, laugh, laugh
I can't tell you how good it felt to see the excitement on their faces as we worked together. It boosted my ego this morning when Teddy asked me if we could take another test today. Miriam chimed right in and said she wanted to do it again too. After breakfast Dorothy and Rachel used the coins and shapes and other supplies to "test" each other.
Unfortunately all is not well. Rachel has the sniffles and apparently was sneaking sips of my sprite because now I am sick. Also, Dorothy is sniffling so we are a mess. Oh, well, its not so bad. I have too much good stuff to worry about the rest of it.

Monday, January 26, 2009

I couldn't get a Word in Edgewise!

Last night was the nicest time we have had in a long time. I credit my mother-in-law for sharing her recipe for cheeseburger soup. I wanted Gordon to enjoy dinner so I made it and then after dinner he went upstairs to play marble works with the boys. Of course the girls joined in and they had a blast. After we got the munchkins to bed Gordon did some dishes (yes it is true) and we played scrabble. Although Gordon got all the good letters, we had so much fun. (I got all the vowels) We did not watch TV, I think that I am finally growing up - I do not have time for it much anymore. If I could cocoon our lives and make every day like last night we would be the happiest family. I have been so nervous about homeschooling but I just keep thinking how much fun it will be and how important it is, for our family, to spend as much time together as possible. I want us to have fun together and I think we will be stronger this way. I am planning to let them have valentines day at school and take them out after that. We will be fine, together we can do anything!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

You Can Handle It

I do not even know where to start. I feel so.... I don't know, like there is nothing I can count on or be sure of. Now if Gordon frowns I am worried he is sick or getting sick. It was so frightening to see him in that emergency room. To top it off 2 kids with Josh diagnoses died this week. They were both about 1 year out of treatment. I got a blessing when Gordon was in the ER but it was not a big help, don't misunderstand, every blessing is wonderful but I was hoping for more reassurance but instead got a "you can handle whatever comes". I guess I just don't want anything more to come..... I feel like I am getting numb. Someone was talking about Gordon being a softy and they asked if I was like that. I told them I could be but I didn't have time to anymore. I just have to keep it together all the time. I missed out on relief society last night cause Gordon was running a temperature. I was so worried and just didn't think I could leave him. I don't mind taking care of everybody but there just isn't any end anymore. Every time I think I have a handle on it and everything is going ok the bottom drops out. I worry about Josh Gordon, Teddy and then add on money, the house, school.....Boy do I have a list. I am eating everything in site right now from the stress. I don't even care cause I don't have time to. Well, I have to finish this post cause Joshua woke up with an ear ache and he is still congested so I think we may have to go to the clinic. If he needs antibiotics they will put him in the hospital but then what do I do about Gordon? He is still sick and I don't want to leave him. I am hoping I can keep Josh at home till Gordon feels better then I will take Josh in. I feel terrible trying to choose who is more in need right now...........

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Pieces of My Heart

I am so touched by this video. First I can hear the father. I am sure when the calf was injured that the little boy pleaded for his life and the father said they would watch it overnight but had to make a decision in the morning. How brave was that little boy to do what had to be done himself. I wish I could be as good a parent as that boy's must be. Sometimes I wish we could have a simple life like that family. I know that life on a ranch is hard but what basic truths are being taught through that way of life. How much could our children (or even ourselves) talk to God if there was less noise from the world and open skies to look up to the heavens. Also how wonderful that Logan was not ashamed or embarassed to say that God told him something. But the thing that touched me most was when the dj asked Logan if he was going to be ok and he said oh, I'll be allright. I could not help thinking of Joshua...... What perfect faith of a child, I know Josh will be alright but I am the one who is frightened. I can't even explain how that tears at my heart, the acceptance of what is and will be. I spend so much time fighting and worrying about what I can not change and I can't seem to let go.

Mostly I fear that I will not have the strength of Logan to let go and do what I have to. Even small problems like the one we are dealing with now (see the other blog) are more than I can bear. I am heartbroken for Joshua and just can't stop thinking about the last thing Logan said. He told them to RUN to Him. It is truly the only way to survive our broken hearts in this life. The only one who gets it is waiting for us to come to him and he will take our hands. I hope that this video reminds us all of our savior and where to turn when life is tough. I know I would have fallen apart by now without him. I know that my broken heart is in is hands and he has all the pieces.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Childrens Dream and Little Bits

When we have our children we give birth to dreams with them. The same is true for my adopted children. However, we are just fooling ourselves with those dreams. We think that our little minds can make things happen and the world with work out the way we imagined. It is our arrogance and pride that thinks this control is within our grasp. The best we can hope for is that our fears do not happen, our children make dreams for themselves and we just help them to achieve those dreams. Sometimes that means accepting that our dreams do not matter and that we are not part of the future they plan. Teddy is 7 this month and I already feel like his dreams take him away from me. Last night he asked me about his mother, or rather he was asking Josh and Josh made him ask me. He wanted to know where she was, why he couldn't be with her. He asked if I could find her and if he could see her. I told him that she was too young to raise him and that we were blessed to be his mom and dad. I promised him that when he was old enough (at least 16) I would find her and take him to see her. I was not expecting his next comment. He asked "will she be old enough then?" He has asked about her before but it was still a shock to realize that his mind set is just that this family is a way to bide time till he can be with her. It breaks my heart because the chances that a reunion with Erin would be what he hopes it will be are slim. It also is a reminder of what I can't be for him. He is seven and he feels abandoned every day. He makes up a dream life with someone who isn't there instead of enjoying and allowing the mother who loves him in. He feels that he can't trust. And yet he is the sweetest boy, so gentle. He doesn't see his own worth, in such a short time she hurt him so much. How I wish I could take it from him. I wish I could give him dreams that don't hurt. I wish I could take her place in his heart. I don't know if that is right but it is true, maybe it would hurt less for him. Everybody thinks that Joshua illness is the greatest thing that could go wrong. But I worry for all my children, sometimes it is painfully clear that I can not stop life or the events that will play out for each of them. I guess that I am getting excited about homeschooling. The chance to be a greater part of their lives is exciting. I love the idea that we will explore the world together. I know I am setting myself up to be disappointed but maybe if I can help open the world up for Teddy it will make a difference for him and for us. There isn't anything I would not give my children.

Ok, the kids just got home from school and I am livid! Dorothy has been absent from school because of Josh's treatment. Not a lot but some days. And several times she was late cause we had to get home from the hospital to get her there. Well the school councelor told me yesterday that the district truant officer was going to "report" us but that she persuaded them to hold off. She told me she explained our situation and the were not moved but would wait for now. Ok, cut to today, I got a letter in Dorothy's backpack signed by the vice-principal stating that we were in violation of the law and could be procecuted - I am not making this up. What crack are they smoking?! Dorothy is in pre-K. It gets worse too, I called the district truant officer and he did not know anything about it. He said it is at the school's discresion and the district policy is not to inforce this code till they are in 1st grade. He also said counting a tardy as an absence is the schools choice too. He is launching an investigation but I am at the end. I am pulling Dorothy out of school and some sisters in my ward want to do a Joy school and I will participate in that. It is obvious that the school does not care about the kids, just the numbers. Boy, I will be glad not to have to stress anymore about this when the kids are home. I just do not need to deal with stupid people (sorry if that is offensive) I have special kids and they are wonderful and they need to have people in their lives that are loving and put them first. I need people who support us and work to make our lives better, not pull us down.

Ok, this was supposed to be a small introspective on children's dreams but somehow it blew up. Let me back up and just say that I love my children. All kids are precious but mine have some special challenges (having me for a mom is on the list) I will fight the world to protect them and give them everything I have. I am learning, however, that as I have said before, what they really need is Heavenly Father, his plan is perfect and there is so much I can not do but he needs to help me. It humbles me to think that he gets all of this, I only get a little bit.