Saturday, May 16, 2009
Musing
One day when the world is right and you feel secure someone tells you your child has a brain tumor. Except they don't say tumor, to make the blow easier they use the word "mass" thinking that makes it easier to hear. Then they try to tell you its not cancer (but in your heart you know it is) and they argue about when to take it out. You are screaming to get the evil thing out of your child but you are powerless and wait. Eventually they concede that it must be cancer and do the surgery. 6 to 8 hours later you are relieved that he is alive and can breath without a machine. You are grateful for the the tears and pain he is in because it is proof you have not lost him yet. When you finally relax and his pain seems to be easing a stranger comes in and starts using words you have never heard. They tell you its cancer and a type you have never heard of. Before this sinks in you are given a "schedule" for treatment. There are no options offered, no more words of comfort. You sign forms and pray it will work. Every day becomes a struggle to survive. You close your heart, praying you can keep everybody you love inside and not lose anyone. You let everything go and stop dreaming. You tell everyone you are fine but inside you are broken and it is not fixable. After many months of terrible terrible treatments during which you watch your child drift to the edge of life. You watch his spirit shrink and his will to fight barely hold on. You watch his dreams die and see him surpass you in maturity. (that sounds good but no child should grow up this way) Anyway, after what seems like forever you are done with the treatment. But what does that mean? Can he go back to "normal"? He thought he would if he did everthing you told him but it can't happen. He will never be who he was before and nothing you do can fix it for him. Sadly you know that he will deteriorate over the next 18 months or so and once again you are powerless to do anything but wait for the bottom. The terrible joke of it all is that in the backround is still that evil cancer and it can reappear (and usually does) at anytime. At the end of everyday you are sooo very grateful that you had another one with your family. Grateful for the support you have. But you are left in the end still holding on and life goes on but is never the same. How do you move forward when you are not even sure you want to. Moving forward means letting this unfold completely and you certainly don't want that. So many nights without sleep, so many days without genuine fun, no more dreams. The fight now becomes to make that my reality not his. Or the other children. To give them another day of just being kids is all I want now. To hear them squabble and laugh, no thought to tomorrow. If I could only keep the world out forever......
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Is That a Dog or a Baby?
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Funraisers and Fitting In
Thursday, April 23, 2009
A Great Vacation
Friday, April 10, 2009
Calling all Insults
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Call 911 - Call 911
One funny thing about this story is that just the night before I commented to Gordon that in the first 9 months we lived in Nebraska the police came to our house 3 times (no - I never got arrested) and I thought that it was very quiet here in Texas. I can't believe that the very next morning I was dealing with the cops!
I guess the more things change the more they stay the same. I will let you know if that is a good thing.
PS. I did not get a ticket just a warning, thanks to my wonderful children. (refer to first sentence in this post)
Saturday, March 14, 2009
More Ramblings, Read at your own Risk
I know that I have to get over feeling this way but it is not that easy. I will find a way, I have to for the children and Gordon but it doesn't change how I feel today. As for the new babies, I am not sad about them, how could I be? If I had heard that someone got a new job or any other great life changing news it would have been the same thing, How I feel is completely about me. (sounds selfish doesn't it?) I just want my life back, I want Josh's life back, I just want to be average.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Homeschooling Where?
Things are out of control again (did they ever stop?) Gordon was looking at houses online about 2 weeks ago and when we talked about it he wants to move. We will stay in Houston but he wants to move away from Pearland. He is so upset about the schools here and worries that if we wanted to we couldn't put the kids back in school. I am of 2 minds about it. We bought this house because Gordon wasn't working and it was what we could afford. It is definitely too small and we are on top of each other. Also, I seem to be struggling to make this house a home. The hurricane hasn't helped with the damage 1/3 of our boxes are not unpacked. There are no pictures on the walls, the kids rooms are not decorated..... We could move now and not loss any money in the deal. Maybe starting over would be good. I was not even here to pick this house, it would be nice to do that together as a family. On the flip side we have a small mortgage here, I love our ward and have made such good friends here. Also, I am tired, it is alot of work to sell and pack and move. I have reached a point that I just don't get attached to any idea. I will prepare the house to sell and pack but if it happens great, if it doesn't I am fine with that too. More than anything I just can't handle anymore disappointments. The dogs didn't breed, and it was kind of the last straw. If I don't get excited about anything I can't be disappointed either. People who have not had a child with cancer may not understand this but I am really getting nervous about the end of treatment. Once you are done you wait. And you feel helpless, there is nothing you can do to change what may come so it is very nerve racking. Maybe moving would be a good thing. It certainly would mean I would be busy and not have time to worry so much. OK, this is probably enough whining, I am sure the picture is below the line and can't be seen.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Dressy Buffalo?
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Which Direction Should I Go?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Testing, Testing, 123 (ABC)
I can't tell you how good it felt to see the excitement on their faces as we worked together. It boosted my ego this morning when Teddy asked me if we could take another test today. Miriam chimed right in and said she wanted to do it again too. After breakfast Dorothy and Rachel used the coins and shapes and other supplies to "test" each other.
Unfortunately all is not well. Rachel has the sniffles and apparently was sneaking sips of my sprite because now I am sick. Also, Dorothy is sniffling so we are a mess. Oh, well, its not so bad. I have too much good stuff to worry about the rest of it.
Monday, January 26, 2009
I couldn't get a Word in Edgewise!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
You Can Handle It
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Pieces of My Heart
I am so touched by this video. First I can hear the father. I am sure when the calf was injured that the little boy pleaded for his life and the father said they would watch it overnight but had to make a decision in the morning. How brave was that little boy to do what had to be done himself. I wish I could be as good a parent as that boy's must be. Sometimes I wish we could have a simple life like that family. I know that life on a ranch is hard but what basic truths are being taught through that way of life. How much could our children (or even ourselves) talk to God if there was less noise from the world and open skies to look up to the heavens. Also how wonderful that Logan was not ashamed or embarassed to say that God told him something. But the thing that touched me most was when the dj asked Logan if he was going to be ok and he said oh, I'll be allright. I could not help thinking of Joshua...... What perfect faith of a child, I know Josh will be alright but I am the one who is frightened. I can't even explain how that tears at my heart, the acceptance of what is and will be. I spend so much time fighting and worrying about what I can not change and I can't seem to let go.
Mostly I fear that I will not have the strength of Logan to let go and do what I have to. Even small problems like the one we are dealing with now (see the other blog) are more than I can bear. I am heartbroken for Joshua and just can't stop thinking about the last thing Logan said. He told them to RUN to Him. It is truly the only way to survive our broken hearts in this life. The only one who gets it is waiting for us to come to him and he will take our hands. I hope that this video reminds us all of our savior and where to turn when life is tough. I know I would have fallen apart by now without him. I know that my broken heart is in is hands and he has all the pieces.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Childrens Dream and Little Bits
Ok, the kids just got home from school and I am livid! Dorothy has been absent from school because of Josh's treatment. Not a lot but some days. And several times she was late cause we had to get home from the hospital to get her there. Well the school councelor told me yesterday that the district truant officer was going to "report" us but that she persuaded them to hold off. She told me she explained our situation and the were not moved but would wait for now. Ok, cut to today, I got a letter in Dorothy's backpack signed by the vice-principal stating that we were in violation of the law and could be procecuted - I am not making this up. What crack are they smoking?! Dorothy is in pre-K. It gets worse too, I called the district truant officer and he did not know anything about it. He said it is at the school's discresion and the district policy is not to inforce this code till they are in 1st grade. He also said counting a tardy as an absence is the schools choice too. He is launching an investigation but I am at the end. I am pulling Dorothy out of school and some sisters in my ward want to do a Joy school and I will participate in that. It is obvious that the school does not care about the kids, just the numbers. Boy, I will be glad not to have to stress anymore about this when the kids are home. I just do not need to deal with stupid people (sorry if that is offensive) I have special kids and they are wonderful and they need to have people in their lives that are loving and put them first. I need people who support us and work to make our lives better, not pull us down.
Ok, this was supposed to be a small introspective on children's dreams but somehow it blew up. Let me back up and just say that I love my children. All kids are precious but mine have some special challenges (having me for a mom is on the list) I will fight the world to protect them and give them everything I have. I am learning, however, that as I have said before, what they really need is Heavenly Father, his plan is perfect and there is so much I can not do but he needs to help me. It humbles me to think that he gets all of this, I only get a little bit.